rolling stones albums of the decade

People really are a bunch of dicks.

100. Leonard Cohen-10 New Songs
Apparently there were 99 albums better than this one released in the last ten years.

99. The Hold Steady-Almost Killed Me
This fella's your buddy or something. He shouts a few funny lines, pats you on the back, you both smile...and then you go listen to his old band.

98.TV on the Radio-Return to Cookie Mountain
Yeah, well, you know, whatever.

97.Wilco-Sky Blue Sky
Don't bands ever break up anymore?

96.The Streets-Original Pirate Material
I saw the video for Let's Push Things Forward in a finished basement with some pretty shitty people. It was great. I got the promo in the mail a week later. It was great.

95.Alicia Keys-Songs in A Minor
She bought a bunch of crab legs from my job. It was the night of the Mayweather-Marquez fight. She was having some folks over to hang and watch the fight. She asked for a specific type of hummus. We didn't have it, but I told her which store would. I didn't realize who she was until eight people told me once she walked out of the store. It was kind of like A and P, except not like A and P at all.

94.The Libertines-Up the Brackett
If you type "Up the Brackett" into google's search bar, it asks if you meant to type "Up the Bracket." No one at Rolling Stone uses google. Yeah, Doherty's a crazy dude and all, but most of his stuff rips. This record is no exception.

93.Johnny Cash-Unearthed
Great things shouldn't cost a hundred dollars. Also, when a fella dies; putting a first person song about being dead and buried as the first track on a boxed set called "Unearthed" is a pretty fucking creepy thing to do.

92.Bon Iver-For Emma, Forever Ago
There's one good song this guy does. It's about looking at bags of blood and making out in a car. It's not on this record.

91.The Hives-Veni Vidi Vicious
People still listen to the bands they ripped off. People are not still listening to them. They certainly dressed well.

90.Amadou & Miriam-Dimanche a Bamako
One, it's Mariam. Two, when you play with David Gilmour everyone loses.

89.Radiohead-Hail to the Theif
I like the song about flan and wolves.

88.Brian Wilson-Smile
"Brian Wilson's Smile rules. Not like his teeth, but that record."-Sean Brennan

87.Gnarls Barkley-St. Elsewhere
They wore clothes. They got folks to play a different Violent Femmes song on the jukebox than Blister In the Sun.

86.The Postal Service-Give Up
I can give you this one, but I ain't giving you Deathcab's continued existence and relevance.

85.Coldplay-Viva La Vida
Bunch of dicks.

84.Eminem-The Eminem Show
It's like Shoegaze meets Electroclash.

83.The Black Keys-Attack & Release
Better than the White Stripes.

82.Queens of the Stone Age-Rated R
I know coke is cool and all, but maybe it kind of isn't.

81.Ryan Adams-Gold
This kid at my old job got all mad about that New York song. It's a good thing he doesn't work at the job I have now. The muzak system plays it twice a day.

80.Kings of Leon-Youth and Young Manhood
The second full length is the best.

79.The New Pornographers-Electric Version
My grandmother danced to a band called The New Pornographers on more than occasion. I'm glad that's a true sentence.

78.Sufjan Stevens-Illinois
This wispy-dicked dude was never going to finish that 50 state thing.

77.Yo La Tengo-And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out
bum bum ba bum baaa bum bum. Like Anthony Kiedis, but not a dickhead.

76.Sigur Ros-()
Folks get married to this.

75.Arcade Fire-Neon Bible
Is the next record going to be secretly about Billy Corgan?...wait a second. This means that Funeral is probably ranked higher on here. Funeral isn't half as good as this.

74.Red Hot Chili Peppers-Stadium Arcadium
Like Anthony Kiedis, but a dickhead. I still like to hear John Frusciante "sing" high "notes".

73.Coldplay-Parachutes
While Rush of Blood certainly cemented them amongst the stadium rock elite, Parachutes first introduced the world to Chris Martin and co. Their nuanced approach to crafting elegantly attractive art into pop music first took hold during the writing process for this debut. From the opening strums of "don't panic," through the jangly heartfelt balladeering of "yellow," to the piano driven croon and groove of "everything's not lost," they successfully submitted their application to the University of Mainstream Success. Time has only shown them to have passed with flying colors.

72.Franz Ferdinand-Franz Ferdinand
When that Take Me Out song slows down after the opening lines about leaving places with people, it almost sounds like the riff before the chorus on "if white america told the truth for one day its world would fall apart" from the holy bible by the manic street preachers. That riff reminds me of the drums at the beginning of "tommy gun" by the clash.

71.Bright Eyes-Lifted, or the Story is in the Soil, Keep Your Eart to the Ground
I feel like the song about drunk sex might have been a bit much. It also might have inspired a lot of people with glasses and scarves to contract sti's.

70.Sleater-Kinney-The Woods
This record rules.

69.Missy Elliott-Under Construction
Is this the one where Ludacris was a bus driver? I know it's the one where the elephant trumpet is used as a substitute for the word "dick"...I'm assuming it's dick. Maybe it's cock, or penis, or fella.

68.U2-How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
I think I saw them on this tour and Bono was shouting about Patti Smith. There's something to be said for a band talking about Patti Smith at the Garden. Keane opened for them. Keane isn't very good. People who like the Yankees called me a fag on the train ride home after this show.

67.Bjork-Vespertine
She kind of smiles when she sings. It's great.

66.Antony & the Johnsons-I Am a Bird Now
My grandmother said he sounded like Johnnie Ray. Then she laughed a bunch.

65.Manu Chao-Proxima Estacion Esperanza
He doesn't wear undershirts.

64.Gillian Welch-Time the Revelator
Argument with David Rawlings not concerning Morrissey.

63.Kaney West-808s and Heartbreak
Go fuck and yourself.

62.Johnny Cash-American III:Solitary Man
Mercy Seat and I See A Darkness and Petty.

61.The Shins-Oh, Inverted World
This is the one that doesn't open with clapping.

60.Phoenix-Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Too Young isn't on this record.

59.Interpol-Turn on the Bright Lights
Carlos D is a person.

58.Danger Mouse-The Grey Album
Is this legal?

57.Death Cab for Cutie-Transatlanticism
They still reissue this every two years with a new title.

56.Vampire Weekend-Vampire Weekend
The guy sung with Fucked Up.

55.Robert Plant and Alison Krauss-Raising Sand
The guy sung with Led Zeppelin.

54.Norah Jones-Come Away With Me
She invented the idea of forty year old people buying records. That idea was her invention.

53.Kings of Leon-Only By the Night
First, it sucks. Second, it came out in 2008 and all of these tools are calling it the album of 2009. Third, it sucks.

52.M.I.A.-Arular
I love this shit. I've seen a bunch of shitty folks with hair being shitty folks with hair while this plays too, and I still love it.

51.Spoon-Kill the Moonlight
I'd like to see them live.

50.Bright Eyes-I'm Wide Awake It's Morning
I'm a guy living my life.

49.Fiona Apple-Extraordinary Machine
The day this came out, two awkward thirty something year old women with braces on their teeth came into my store to buy it. Two of them.

48.TV on the Radio-Dear Science
This band again.

47.Fleet Foxes-Fleet Foxes
They might as well just work for a car commercial company.

46.Justin Timberlake-FutureSex/LoveSounds
This record got even me laid. Not really, but...pretty much.

45.Kanye West-Graduation
The shitty Giants used that stronger song to get all excited about beating the Patriots. The Zack Galifinakis/Will Oldham video for "Can't Tell Me Nothing" is perfect.

44.System of a Down-Toxicity
When you say hardcore, I think this is what most of America thinks of. I think.

43.The Killers-Hot Fuss
The singer stole the instrumental tracks for "You Are the Quarry" from Boz Boorer at a Vegas restaurant. This record came out and they sucked live. Then he stole Springsteen's vocal approach and started making sick fucking records and probably rules live now.

42.Elliot Smith-Figure 8
I haven't listened to anything by him all the way through since he stabbed himself. I've been told some of the "unreleased" compilations have been pretty good though.

41.Arctic Monkeys-Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not.
The last track on this album lived up to the hype that the singles from this album got them. The singles didn't.

40.Kanye West-Late Registration
So, eight guest bars by Jay-Z gets you the fortieth ranking album of the aughts. Cool.

39.Kings of Leon-Aha Shake Heartbreak
High doodly notes. Accents. Using the word fag instead of cigarette. Yodelling without being an ass. Perfection. Also, this blog thing says Yodelling is incorrect spelling, but it isn't.

38.Ryan Adams-Heartbreaker
I can't listen to it without thinking of the dude smacking his kid in the head on the escalator in Old School, but that doesn't make it a bad record at all.

37.50 Cent-Get Rich or Die Tryin'
I got the edited version of this as a promo a few weeks before it came out. I drove around Nassau Community College parking lot blasting it out of my gigantic red Buick while laughing maniacally. My hair was pretty long if I remember correctly. Hard shit, man.

36.U2-No Line on the Horizon
If your sunglasses cost more than my grandfather made in his entire life, I don't think I want to listen to your songs anymore. They might be great songs. I know one of them is about sexy boots, or some shit. The vocals on the verses are like Subterranean Homesick Blues for people whose sunglasses cost more than my grandfather made in his entire life.

35.PJ Harvey-Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea
There's an acoustic version of that You Said Something song. She does "do do do doo doo" for the synth (or whatever it is) part.

34.Outkast-Speakerboxx/The Love Below
When Hey Ya first hit the airwaves, we all lost our shit. Then we heard it infinity times.

33.Daft Punk-Discovery
They're going to celebrate.

32.Lil Wayne-Tha Carter III
I'll never understand this.

31.My Morning Jacket-Z
Remember that Jade Tree Songs:Ohia split?

30.Radiohead-In Rainbows
How much would you like to pay to talk loudly about this record at parties?

29.Sigur Ros-Agaetis Byrjun
hoodelaigin linelnguuuuuurnin

28.Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Fever to Tell
So this record comes out and there's a girl driving to your house to roll around with you in between trips to her actual boyfriend's house on a fairly regular basis. Things get a little out of hand and you're pretty much a walking Cusack movie after about a year or so. You stumble upon a section of the internet in which that actual boyfriend has posted that Maps song as some sort of statement to this girl. In this case they actually do love you like someone else loves you. That was awhile ago. Everyone bought this record. Everyone.

27.The Flaming Lips-Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Drugs happen.

26.Cat Power-The Greatest
Lived in bars is one of the best songs I've ever heard.

25.Radiohead-Amnesiac
We get it.

24.Bruce Springsteen-Magic
It kind of sounds like if the replacements "made it" and didn't break up. You might scoff and get all lame about it, but search your feelings, you know it to be true.

23.D'Angelo-Voodoo
This is the one with the video they play in Undeclared.

22.Green Day-American Idiot
It kind of sounds like if Green Day "made it" and didn't break up.

21.Coldplay-A Rush of Blood to the Head
I give up.

20.The White Stripes-White Blood Cells
Hotel Yorba...catchy as hell. It's funny how "unsaved" rock and roll still is though.

19.Amy Winehouse-Back to Black
She sung the shit out of this shit.

18.MGMT-Oracular Spectacular
Headbands sort of upset me.

17.Beck-Sea Change
It's not Deborah, but it'll do.

16.Outkast-Stankonia
Almost as good as the chicken noodle soup dance.

15.Bruce Springsteen-The Rising
Four songs on this record have made me cry. Either they're great songs, or I have some sort of emotional defect.

14.Jay-Z-The Black Album
He was only joking. Now he knows how Joan of Arc felt.

13.U2-All That You Can't Leave Behind
When The Patriots score touchdowns they play elevation.

12.LCD Soundsystem-Sound of Silver
Pretty good, but not like really all that good really or something.

11.Bob Dylan-Love and Theft
You can always come back, but you can't come back all the way.

10.Kanye West-The College Dropout
watch this please.

9.M.I.A.-Kala
Straight to Hell by The Clash is one of the best songs ever.

8.Bob Dylan-Modern Times
The recent "post bolo-tie bob" records all have their special something. David Fricke loves the shit out of them.

7.Eminem-Marshal Mathers L.P.
A lot of people bought this record. That's cool.

6.Arcade Fire-Funeral
Neon Bible is so much better than this record.

5.The White Stripes-Elephant
The song about the buttons is a great song about buttons.

4.Jay-Z-The Blueprint
It'd be number 1 if it didn't make Kanye West a guy who does things.

3.Wilco-Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
If Jesus, Etc. wasn't on it I would be able to listen to this album from start to finish. Also, Costello beats Tweedy in lyrical use of the word "reservations."

2.The Strokes-Is This It?
The second record is better.

1.Radiohead-Kid A
I saw Penn State Sorority girls grind dance to this record at a St. Patrick's fraternity party in State College. I made a big deal of how fucking great this record was to my high school crush trying to impress her when I came home from college. I hadn't even heard more than two songs of it at that point. She was not impressed. Maybe the Rolling Stones folks are trying to impress the girls they dug in high school maybe. I don't really know. I later rolled around with a girl who has a Radiohead tattoo and she made a big deal about how fucking great this record was. I was not impressed.

letters that are fun to imagine existing

Dear Ghostface,

Is there a specific reason you've been performing the act of fellatio on the entire population of cities that resemble Waco, Texas? Wouldn't it make more sense to head straight to the horse's mouth on this one? Also, I've been taking this health class, and I think the negatives severely outweigh any positives you wish to gain in this endeavor. I only bring this up because I care.

Your pal,
Matthew

encyclopedia

the beau brummels-had a song called "the wolf of velvet fortune"

Beausoleil-mardis gras kind of creeps me out.

The Beautiful South-No one in this country ever heard them.

Be-Bop Deluxe-They liked David Bowie

Beck-He is the only person in the world who can say "My mom's band 'Black Fag' opened for me in the early '90s."

Jeff Beck-guitars suck.

The Bee Gees-They wrote the theme to the Grease movie. It works for me.

Adrian Belew-He played on my dad's favorite Zappa record, which might make it the worst Zappa record, but nevertheless...this fella played on it.

dictionary

The Bar-keys-they died with ottis redding.

Syd Barrett-He took drugs.

Basehead-Someone compared this fella to Lou Reed. They were liars.

Basia-It's kind of like music if actual music didn't exist, or something.

Bauhaus-Love and Rockets were better.

Bay City Rollers-The only attractive Scottish folks ever.

The Beach Boys-Brian Wilson was/is a person.

Beastie Boys-I'm not so sure they're always telling the truth.

The Beatles-They were a band.

encyclopedia

Babes in Toyland-If Courtney Love never got so fucking terrible she'd be the first three Babes in Toyland records.

The Babys-They broke up, formed Bad English, and bummed me out.

Bachman Turner Overdrive-Randy Bachman helped write American Woman for the Guess Who, Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet and Takin' Care of Business with BTO. He is everyone's uncle ever.

Backstreet Boys-Shit happens. Whatevs.

Bad Brains-I'm glad they are in this book.

Bad Company-Everything they sung about was a lie. Everything.

Badfinger-Just like Joy Division, but with choruses.

Erykah Badu-"I'm getting tired of your shit, you don't never buy me nothin'"

Joan Baez-Her and Bob Dylan loved each other, but no one ever knew about it.

Anita Baker-One of the last people to have an actual voice.

Ginger Baker-Played shitty drum solos.

Lavern Baker-Recorded a dope version of "See See Rider".

John Baldry-He narrated a Winnie the Pooh readalong tape.

Hank Ballard-Wrote "the twist" and sung about getting laid.

Afrika Baambaataa-Invented awesome shit.

Bananarama-They wrote the song that plays on the radio that Daniel gets into a fight with Johnny Lawrence over in the first Karate Kid.

The Band-Responsible for Dylan becoming a sarcastic dick, Cream breaking up, and a bunch of mediocre bands making better records. They fucking ruled. I hum their organ parts all of the time.

The Bangles-Imagine going to see them back when they were huge and sitting through songs that weren't Manic Monday, or Walk Like An Egyptian.

The Barbarians-The best shit ever.

Barclay James Harvest-Darren Nanos' favorite band.

Barenaked Ladies-I think one of them had a goatee.

Encyclopedia

Arrow-He wrote "hot, hot, hot." Then David Johansen sung it. You could even have dinner with it.

Art Ensemble of Chicago-Intelligent folks. Listen to them.

Art of Noise-It's supposed to be an avant-garde take on classical composers with ideals taken from the futurist movement. Which apparently sounds exactly like what you'd hear in the background of a Pizza Hut commercial in 1989.

Ashford and Simpson-The creepiest record covers.

Asia-Proof that punk didn't work.

Asleep at the Wheel-Western swing music. Western. Swing. Music.

The Association-They were romantic while owning mutton chops.

Chet Atkins-He was great at guitar, but wasn't a dick about it. Few folks can say that.

Atlanta Rhythm Section-Indecision was apparently spooky to them.

Brian Auger-He was great at things that don't matter.

Frankie Avalon-He threw beach parties. A lot.

Average White Band-Their drummer died from heroin by accident. Because that's an actual thing.

Kevin Ayers-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-C2Ar4gpi8

Roy Ayers-Not related to Kevin Ayers.

Aztec Camera-Your older sister likes them.

onto the b's tomorrow.

Encyclopedia

The Animals-See see rider is a great song.

Paul Anka-Sung "My Way" before Frank Sinatra.

Anthrax-I'm the Man and I braided my beard, or My braided beard got caught in a mosh, or They owned wireless guitars.

Aphex Twin-dancing for nerds.

Fiona Apple-She had a record with a really long title.

The Archies-They didn't exist.

Rod Argent-He played keyboard for the Zombies. He wrote God Gave Rock and Roll To You, but Kiss was better at playing it.

Joan Armatrading-Her, herself and she wanted 19 cars.

Arrested Development-They're the reason I knew who Sly Stone was in middle school.