Two letters that are fun to think of existing.

My Dearest James,

It seems there is a sucker comparing you to the rest of the suckers in the world. The sheer audacity of this comparison is staggering. It feels as if someone had pulled some sort of lever on me that would make me explode. I am all too aware of exactly how many years you have been in this world. I know exactly how raw you are, and I will never forget it. There are some people in this world who do not share my opinion of you. Do not let them stare at you. Make them pay the price for not understanding that you are far from an average man. You may not be fully prepared mentally to deal with these circumstances sober. I recommend a moderately priced brand of malt liquor known as Olde English "800" to put you in the state you'll need to be to do what I'm about to ask you to do. James, I hear shotgun blasts outside my window at night. It is time for you to shift gears. It is time to say the word "yeah" repeatedly. It is time to make them say your name. It is time to tie them up if the situation calls for it. James, it is time to knock them out. I wish you luck in this endeavor.

Love always,
Mom



Dear Carlton Ridenhour,

We are suckers. That being said, we are interested in you for a position in our army, or whatever.

Sincerely,
The Government