Saturday, October 24, 2009


the beau brummels-had a song called "the wolf of velvet fortune"

Beausoleil-mardis gras kind of creeps me out.

The Beautiful South-No one in this country ever heard them.

Be-Bop Deluxe-They liked David Bowie

Beck-He is the only person in the world who can say "My mom's band 'Black Fag' opened for me in the early '90s."

Jeff Beck-guitars suck.

The Bee Gees-They wrote the theme to the Grease movie. It works for me.

Adrian Belew-He played on my dad's favorite Zappa record, which might make it the worst Zappa record, but nevertheless...this fella played on it.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


The Bar-keys-they died with ottis redding.

Syd Barrett-He took drugs.

Basehead-Someone compared this fella to Lou Reed. They were liars.

Basia-It's kind of like music if actual music didn't exist, or something.

Bauhaus-Love and Rockets were better.

Bay City Rollers-The only attractive Scottish folks ever.

The Beach Boys-Brian Wilson was/is a person.

Beastie Boys-I'm not so sure they're always telling the truth.

The Beatles-They were a band.

Monday, October 12, 2009


Babes in Toyland-If Courtney Love never got so fucking terrible she'd be the first three Babes in Toyland records.

The Babys-They broke up, formed Bad English, and bummed me out.

Bachman Turner Overdrive-Randy Bachman helped write American Woman for the Guess Who, Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet and Takin' Care of Business with BTO. He is everyone's uncle ever.

Backstreet Boys-Shit happens. Whatevs.

Bad Brains-I'm glad they are in this book.

Bad Company-Everything they sung about was a lie. Everything.

Badfinger-Just like Joy Division, but with choruses.

Erykah Badu-"I'm getting tired of your shit, you don't never buy me nothin'"

Joan Baez-Her and Bob Dylan loved each other, but no one ever knew about it.

Anita Baker-One of the last people to have an actual voice.

Ginger Baker-Played shitty drum solos.

Lavern Baker-Recorded a dope version of "See See Rider".

John Baldry-He narrated a Winnie the Pooh readalong tape.

Hank Ballard-Wrote "the twist" and sung about getting laid.

Afrika Baambaataa-Invented awesome shit.

Bananarama-They wrote the song that plays on the radio that Daniel gets into a fight with Johnny Lawrence over in the first Karate Kid.

The Band-Responsible for Dylan becoming a sarcastic dick, Cream breaking up, and a bunch of mediocre bands making better records. They fucking ruled. I hum their organ parts all of the time.

The Bangles-Imagine going to see them back when they were huge and sitting through songs that weren't Manic Monday, or Walk Like An Egyptian.

The Barbarians-The best shit ever.

Barclay James Harvest-Darren Nanos' favorite band.

Barenaked Ladies-I think one of them had a goatee.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Arrow-He wrote "hot, hot, hot." Then David Johansen sung it. You could even have dinner with it.

Art Ensemble of Chicago-Intelligent folks. Listen to them.

Art of Noise-It's supposed to be an avant-garde take on classical composers with ideals taken from the futurist movement. Which apparently sounds exactly like what you'd hear in the background of a Pizza Hut commercial in 1989.

Ashford and Simpson-The creepiest record covers.

Asia-Proof that punk didn't work.

Asleep at the Wheel-Western swing music. Western. Swing. Music.

The Association-They were romantic while owning mutton chops.

Chet Atkins-He was great at guitar, but wasn't a dick about it. Few folks can say that.

Atlanta Rhythm Section-Indecision was apparently spooky to them.

Brian Auger-He was great at things that don't matter.

Frankie Avalon-He threw beach parties. A lot.

Average White Band-Their drummer died from heroin by accident. Because that's an actual thing.

Kevin Ayers-

Roy Ayers-Not related to Kevin Ayers.

Aztec Camera-Your older sister likes them.

onto the b's tomorrow.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


The Animals-See see rider is a great song.

Paul Anka-Sung "My Way" before Frank Sinatra.

Anthrax-I'm the Man and I braided my beard, or My braided beard got caught in a mosh, or They owned wireless guitars.

Aphex Twin-dancing for nerds.

Fiona Apple-She had a record with a really long title.

The Archies-They didn't exist.

Rod Argent-He played keyboard for the Zombies. He wrote God Gave Rock and Roll To You, but Kiss was better at playing it.

Joan Armatrading-Her, herself and she wanted 19 cars.

Arrested Development-They're the reason I knew who Sly Stone was in middle school.


Amazing Rhythm Aces-They won a grammy once.

Ambrosia-King Crimson for moms.

Amen Corner-The nickname for the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteen holes at Augusta, where the annual Masters major golf tournament is held. Also a band who The Small Faces were better than.

America-Not good at all, but kind of great. They played Jesse Ventura's inaguration as Minnesota governor.

The American Breed-They played "bend me, shape me" when Kevin Arnold sees a girl in a skirt for the first time on the Wonder Years, or something like that.

American Music Club-oh my god, i can't believe you've never heard them. they are like so good. sooooo good. i'll put them on a mix tape for you and we'll drive to the beach at night. or sit in a coffee house. whatever you want to do. anything you want to do...out of those two things.

Tori Amos-The first time I ever heard "shut up" in a song was her I'm pretty sure. She had that chump from tool singing on one of her songs. All the assholes got psyched about it.

Eric Andersen-People moved to Greenwich Village in the '60s.

John Anderson-My grandmother loved George Jones' cover of his song "Girl at the End of the Bar"

Laurie Anderson-hi mom. ha ha ha ho ho ho.

The Angels-They rerecorded "My Boyfriend's Back" last year, thus completely negating any worth they had.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Rolling Stone has a giant book called The Encyclopedia of Rock and Roll. I was given the Third Edition for Christmas a few years back. I have decided to provide my own entry for each one in the book. Summer vacation is over. This will update at least once a week from now till the end of time.

Abba-I know a lot of words to a lot of Abba songs. Abba is kind of fucking great. People look at me funny when I say that. I tell everyone that my mom used to listen to their records whenever she cleaned the house. I tell everyone I just picked it up from being a little kid and cleaning with my mom. This is a lie. Muriel's Wedding is a good movie.

ABC-Like Roxy Music and Heaven 17 if they were terrible.

Paula Abdul-She rapped with a cat, or a fox, or a cat with sunglasses.

Ac/Dc-The best band to jog to of all time. Bon Scott died.

Johnny Ace-Harvey Keitel is a big fan.

Roy Acuff-Taught Hank Williams some tricks. Did yo-yo tricks.

Adam and the Ants-When I was a kid I would see the video for Goody Two Shoes and I thought it was making fun of Michael Jackson. I thought the whole song was some kind of Michael Jackson diss because Adam Ant's "romantic pirate" outfits looked like Michael Jackson's "michael jackson" outfits.

Bryan Adams-Canadian. Kind of looks like Luke Skywalker. His band in high school broke up because Jody got married. If he sees a fence, he will hop over it.

King Sunny Ade-Like Bob Marley sans beer pong, tribal tattoos, and the description "he's like totally like deep, right?"

Aerosmith-They wrote a song called Dude Looks Like A Lady. None of them are virgins.

Christina Aguilera-She got married once.

a-ha-Really shitty ska bands covered them.

Air-People really liked The Virgin Suicides. Jarvis Cocker sings on some of their songs.

Air Supply-It isn't funny, dickhead.

Alabama-They wrote a song about minor league baseball. No one liked it.

The Alarm-They never have their songs on karaoke lists.

Arthur Alexander-Everyone great covered him.

Alice in Chains-Sucked.

Lee Allen-Dude played with Fats Domino and Little Richard.

Luther Allison-He had a band called the rolling stones before Mick Jagger did.

Mose Allison-He used the words "yakkin'" and "dames" in a song.

The Allman Brothers Band-Like the Band, but boring and mediocre. They played guitars. A bunch of even boringer, mediocre-er jackasses play with them these days.

Herb Alpert-My mother's mother would shred to a tape of his.