Saturday, December 19, 2009

letters that are fun to imagine existing

Dear Ghostface,

Is there a specific reason you've been performing the act of fellatio on the entire population of cities that resemble Waco, Texas? Wouldn't it make more sense to head straight to the horse's mouth on this one? Also, I've been taking this health class, and I think the negatives severely outweigh any positives you wish to gain in this endeavor. I only bring this up because I care.

Your pal,

Saturday, October 24, 2009


the beau brummels-had a song called "the wolf of velvet fortune"

Beausoleil-mardis gras kind of creeps me out.

The Beautiful South-No one in this country ever heard them.

Be-Bop Deluxe-They liked David Bowie

Beck-He is the only person in the world who can say "My mom's band 'Black Fag' opened for me in the early '90s."

Jeff Beck-guitars suck.

The Bee Gees-They wrote the theme to the Grease movie. It works for me.

Adrian Belew-He played on my dad's favorite Zappa record, which might make it the worst Zappa record, but nevertheless...this fella played on it.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


The Bar-keys-they died with ottis redding.

Syd Barrett-He took drugs.

Basehead-Someone compared this fella to Lou Reed. They were liars.

Basia-It's kind of like music if actual music didn't exist, or something.

Bauhaus-Love and Rockets were better.

Bay City Rollers-The only attractive Scottish folks ever.

The Beach Boys-Brian Wilson was/is a person.

Beastie Boys-I'm not so sure they're always telling the truth.

The Beatles-They were a band.

Monday, October 12, 2009


Babes in Toyland-If Courtney Love never got so fucking terrible she'd be the first three Babes in Toyland records.

The Babys-They broke up, formed Bad English, and bummed me out.

Bachman Turner Overdrive-Randy Bachman helped write American Woman for the Guess Who, Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet and Takin' Care of Business with BTO. He is everyone's uncle ever.

Backstreet Boys-Shit happens. Whatevs.

Bad Brains-I'm glad they are in this book.

Bad Company-Everything they sung about was a lie. Everything.

Badfinger-Just like Joy Division, but with choruses.

Erykah Badu-"I'm getting tired of your shit, you don't never buy me nothin'"

Joan Baez-Her and Bob Dylan loved each other, but no one ever knew about it.

Anita Baker-One of the last people to have an actual voice.

Ginger Baker-Played shitty drum solos.

Lavern Baker-Recorded a dope version of "See See Rider".

John Baldry-He narrated a Winnie the Pooh readalong tape.

Hank Ballard-Wrote "the twist" and sung about getting laid.

Afrika Baambaataa-Invented awesome shit.

Bananarama-They wrote the song that plays on the radio that Daniel gets into a fight with Johnny Lawrence over in the first Karate Kid.

The Band-Responsible for Dylan becoming a sarcastic dick, Cream breaking up, and a bunch of mediocre bands making better records. They fucking ruled. I hum their organ parts all of the time.

The Bangles-Imagine going to see them back when they were huge and sitting through songs that weren't Manic Monday, or Walk Like An Egyptian.

The Barbarians-The best shit ever.

Barclay James Harvest-Darren Nanos' favorite band.

Barenaked Ladies-I think one of them had a goatee.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Arrow-He wrote "hot, hot, hot." Then David Johansen sung it. You could even have dinner with it.

Art Ensemble of Chicago-Intelligent folks. Listen to them.

Art of Noise-It's supposed to be an avant-garde take on classical composers with ideals taken from the futurist movement. Which apparently sounds exactly like what you'd hear in the background of a Pizza Hut commercial in 1989.

Ashford and Simpson-The creepiest record covers.

Asia-Proof that punk didn't work.

Asleep at the Wheel-Western swing music. Western. Swing. Music.

The Association-They were romantic while owning mutton chops.

Chet Atkins-He was great at guitar, but wasn't a dick about it. Few folks can say that.

Atlanta Rhythm Section-Indecision was apparently spooky to them.

Brian Auger-He was great at things that don't matter.

Frankie Avalon-He threw beach parties. A lot.

Average White Band-Their drummer died from heroin by accident. Because that's an actual thing.

Kevin Ayers-

Roy Ayers-Not related to Kevin Ayers.

Aztec Camera-Your older sister likes them.

onto the b's tomorrow.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


The Animals-See see rider is a great song.

Paul Anka-Sung "My Way" before Frank Sinatra.

Anthrax-I'm the Man and I braided my beard, or My braided beard got caught in a mosh, or They owned wireless guitars.

Aphex Twin-dancing for nerds.

Fiona Apple-She had a record with a really long title.

The Archies-They didn't exist.

Rod Argent-He played keyboard for the Zombies. He wrote God Gave Rock and Roll To You, but Kiss was better at playing it.

Joan Armatrading-Her, herself and she wanted 19 cars.

Arrested Development-They're the reason I knew who Sly Stone was in middle school.


Amazing Rhythm Aces-They won a grammy once.

Ambrosia-King Crimson for moms.

Amen Corner-The nickname for the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteen holes at Augusta, where the annual Masters major golf tournament is held. Also a band who The Small Faces were better than.

America-Not good at all, but kind of great. They played Jesse Ventura's inaguration as Minnesota governor.

The American Breed-They played "bend me, shape me" when Kevin Arnold sees a girl in a skirt for the first time on the Wonder Years, or something like that.

American Music Club-oh my god, i can't believe you've never heard them. they are like so good. sooooo good. i'll put them on a mix tape for you and we'll drive to the beach at night. or sit in a coffee house. whatever you want to do. anything you want to do...out of those two things.

Tori Amos-The first time I ever heard "shut up" in a song was her I'm pretty sure. She had that chump from tool singing on one of her songs. All the assholes got psyched about it.

Eric Andersen-People moved to Greenwich Village in the '60s.

John Anderson-My grandmother loved George Jones' cover of his song "Girl at the End of the Bar"

Laurie Anderson-hi mom. ha ha ha ho ho ho.

The Angels-They rerecorded "My Boyfriend's Back" last year, thus completely negating any worth they had.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Rolling Stone has a giant book called The Encyclopedia of Rock and Roll. I was given the Third Edition for Christmas a few years back. I have decided to provide my own entry for each one in the book. Summer vacation is over. This will update at least once a week from now till the end of time.

Abba-I know a lot of words to a lot of Abba songs. Abba is kind of fucking great. People look at me funny when I say that. I tell everyone that my mom used to listen to their records whenever she cleaned the house. I tell everyone I just picked it up from being a little kid and cleaning with my mom. This is a lie. Muriel's Wedding is a good movie.

ABC-Like Roxy Music and Heaven 17 if they were terrible.

Paula Abdul-She rapped with a cat, or a fox, or a cat with sunglasses.

Ac/Dc-The best band to jog to of all time. Bon Scott died.

Johnny Ace-Harvey Keitel is a big fan.

Roy Acuff-Taught Hank Williams some tricks. Did yo-yo tricks.

Adam and the Ants-When I was a kid I would see the video for Goody Two Shoes and I thought it was making fun of Michael Jackson. I thought the whole song was some kind of Michael Jackson diss because Adam Ant's "romantic pirate" outfits looked like Michael Jackson's "michael jackson" outfits.

Bryan Adams-Canadian. Kind of looks like Luke Skywalker. His band in high school broke up because Jody got married. If he sees a fence, he will hop over it.

King Sunny Ade-Like Bob Marley sans beer pong, tribal tattoos, and the description "he's like totally like deep, right?"

Aerosmith-They wrote a song called Dude Looks Like A Lady. None of them are virgins.

Christina Aguilera-She got married once.

a-ha-Really shitty ska bands covered them.

Air-People really liked The Virgin Suicides. Jarvis Cocker sings on some of their songs.

Air Supply-It isn't funny, dickhead.

Alabama-They wrote a song about minor league baseball. No one liked it.

The Alarm-They never have their songs on karaoke lists.

Arthur Alexander-Everyone great covered him.

Alice in Chains-Sucked.

Lee Allen-Dude played with Fats Domino and Little Richard.

Luther Allison-He had a band called the rolling stones before Mick Jagger did.

Mose Allison-He used the words "yakkin'" and "dames" in a song.

The Allman Brothers Band-Like the Band, but boring and mediocre. They played guitars. A bunch of even boringer, mediocre-er jackasses play with them these days.

Herb Alpert-My mother's mother would shred to a tape of his.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

if something was something else

If Tim Burton was a band, he'd be the Rolling Stones from two years ago. Yeah, it certainly meant something once, but seriously...go fuck yourself.

If Jim Carrey playing Ebeneezer Scrooge in a fake animation type movie thing where everything looks like a video game and sucks a lot was an amount of money it would be zero American dollars.

If Pissed Jeans were a dog they would be a decent dog.

If Dude Japan were a band for Halloween they would be Husker Du.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

reviews of things

The independent rock outfit Superchunk played a free show at South Street Seaport. The other independent rock outfit Versus played before them. Neither band bummed anyone out.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

michael michael michael

people are fucking crazy.
ron artest is crazier.

i remember tearing shit up to thriller so many times as a child.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

reviews of things

Weed Hounds
Demo 09

These songs are pretty great. Nick and Laura get nifty with their guitars. Cesco drums like a madman. Nick and Laura trade off singing about being ok and being allowed inside people's houses. It's catchy. It's upbeat. It's true to itself. These folks did not just open up ye olde "lo fi pop" starter box and decide to go for it. They're great, legit folks making great songs. The songs are great enough that they could even kind of be dicks as folks and I wouldn't mind. That works the other way, too. They're great enough as folks that they could even write some shitty songs and I wouldn't mind either.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Songs you're not allowed to play on the jukebox at an exotic dancing club at three a.m. in Virginia the last time I checked (August, 2003):

Mother by Danzig (surprisingly enough)
Looking For A Kiss by The New York Dolls (surprisingly enough)
Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others by The Smiths (makes sense)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

reviews of things

1.6 band played a show at the cake shop in Manhattan last night. I nodded my head and smiled a whole bunch.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

reviews of things

Crime in Stereo/Paint it Black
at Lindenhurst Moose Lodge
June 13th, 2009

Someone jumped on someone else. Someone bought a record. Someone bought a t shirt. Paint it Black played that song off their last full length that reminds me of my Grandpa dying and I kind of cried while I was jumping around. The song in reality is probably about getting divorced in your office where you practice psychology that happens to have a hospital bed that you're laying down in because you might die and not eating meat, voting republican, or joining the army. It is a Paint it Black song after all, but I like to pretend it's not about those things.

reviews of things

Paint it Black-Amnesia 7 inch.

This record contains the phrase "duck season/rabbit season." It also has a song about riding bikes. I don't own a bike at the moment, but I like to think I will someday. The song about riding bikes has the coolest little driving guitar riff during the verses. I'm pretty sure there's a line about Mission of Burma too. It makes me smile.

Friday, June 12, 2009

reviews of things

Capital-Blind Faith 7"

One time I had a dream. In that dream I had access to a time machine for some reason. Out of all the crevices of history I could have crept to, I chose to go back in time a year and a half to attend a Capital show that I was originally unable to attend due to work. I decided to wear a Capital shirt that did not exist at the time of the show just to weird the kids out. They played songs that had not been released at the time and I knew all of the words. I'm not entirely sure why I chose to do this. I could have gone to Ebbet's field. I could have gone to the prep school basketball game my grandparents met at. I could have gone to CBGB's to see the Talking Heads. I went to see Capital play a show. Go figure.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Letters that are fun to think of existing

Dear Trent,

Seriously?! Everyone in the world?! That's unhealthy, unethical, uncomfortable, illegal, and also physically impossible. I understand the need to do something that matters, but I hardly recommend fucking everyone in the world in order to accomplish that something. Also, if it's everyone in the world, wouldn't that make each act of fucking matter less and less? You'd be setting out to accomplish something and diminishing that accomplishment with every step towards it. Just saying.

your pal,


one on one v.4

Iron Chic is a band from Long Island. There is a man named John Mee who plays bass in Iron Chic. I met up with John at the Iron Chic show at Mr. Beery's in Bethpage.

Me-I used to really like the Red Hot Chili lot.

John-Yeah man, Flea really likes the Lakers (the Lakers are a professional American basketball organization that Flea really likes).

Me-Anthony Keidis kind of sucks though.


Me-He's always talking about driving a Lexus to Texas or some shit like that.

John-I heard he once thought that Mike Patton was secretly making fun of him.

Me-Ha. That rules. Thanks for sitting down to do this interview.

John-No problem. I like Bill Simmons (Bill Simmons is a man who writes for espn about sports. He is witty and informative).

Me-Bill Simmons rules. When his new book comes out we should go to his signing.

John-That is a wonderful idea.

Monday, June 1, 2009

disappointing your parents and dying alone v.1

this appears in the new issue of rawlife zine. dr. drewce alexander asked me to do a little something about kiss.

What follows is a list of twenty one statements regarding the rock group Kiss. It is up to you to determine which statements are fact, and which are fiction. Good luck, I hope you make it.

1-The song "Christine Sixteen," written by Gene Simmons(bass) when he was twenty eight years old is about wanting to sleep with a sixteen year old girl (and most likely actually going through with it).

2-Lou Reed assisted in writing lyrics for the Kiss concept album Music From The Elder.

3-They have never manufactured any merchandise that would take away, or add to anyone's immediate impression of their music.

4-They were made for lovin' you.

5-The deep cut "Hard Times," from the album Dynasty was covered by the New York hard rock group the Cro-mags.

6-They'd like you to lick it up, whoa.

7-Cold gin is the only thing that keeps them together.

8-Their drummer's name is Peter Criss(drums) and he wore make-up to make him look like a cat.

9-Peter Criss(drums) is the proud father of several well adjusted, successful children who love him very much.

10-They set out to record their third full-length record with Steve Albini, but later scrapped the session tapes.

11-They are all handsome.

12-They have toured with Aerosmith.

13-The seventies were a pretty fucked up decade.

14-They starred in a film about a phantom in an amusement park that involved evil robot thems.

15-Some of the band members originally performed under the name Wicked Lester.

16-No one has ever dressed up as Kiss for Halloween.

17-Ace Frehley(lead guitar) died in a motorcycle accident while crossing the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan on October 17th, 1987.

18-Gene Simmons(bass) has never consumed an illegal drug, or an alcoholic beverage in his entire life.

19-Paul Stanley(rhythm guitar) once performed in a side project called The Dudes of Wrath.

20-Paul Stanley(rhythm guitar) is an accomplished painter. People buy his paintings.

21-In a film documentary featuring candid interviews with each band member, it is revealed that Peter Criss(drums) heard somewhere that some of their fans believe that they as a band, collectively do not use heat.

Let's see how well you scored.

Factual statements were:1,2,4,6,7,8,12,13,14,15,18,19, 20

Friday, May 15, 2009

Letters that are fun to think of existing

Dear Dark Man,

Do you still say "somethin' new," before you perform the Ruff Ryder's Anthem? Also, what's with the duct tape and rape stuff?

A concerned citizen

ps. I have not bounced in a long time. It was good to do it again. Thanks for that.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

reviews of things

The Bouncing Souls 20th Anniversary Tour
At The Crazy Donkey

I wasn't going to go to this show. After working all day, I decided it might be fun to see a show that some people I like might be hanging out at. I called the Crazy Donkey to see if it was sold out. It was not sold out. I fed my dog, found my sneakers, and headed over to the show.
When I pulled into the parking lot this fella wearing one of those shitty black hats all the kids wear signaled for me to roll down my window. I rolled down my window. "It's five dollars to park today," said this fella wearing one of those shitty black hats all the kids wear. I asked, "Is it sold out?" I did not really want to pay five dollars to be told by some other fella wearing one of those shitty black hats that I couldn't even get into the show. The parking lot fella wearing one of those shitty black hats all the kids wear sort of rolled his eyes as if to say, "There's no fucking way this show is going to sell out, this kid is a chump." He then said to me, "There's no fucking way this show is going to sell out, chump." I paid him five dollars and drove my car through the official parking lot, past a fence, onto a gravel pit covered in gravel, weeds, sticks, and broken beer bottles. This was the "special event" parking area.
Four different cars were blasting the Bro Hymn by Pennywise as I exited my car and walked back to the venue. I paid a lady with streaks in her hair twenty American dollars. I was asked by a security guard to empty the contents of my pockets and spread my arms out. This guard inspected my cell phone, cigarettes, lighter, and wallet. He then patted me down fairly thoroughly. I was wearing an old, faded New York Mets hat. The security guard removed this hat from my head to make sure I was not hiding drugs, weapons, or drug/weapon combos underneath it. It sucked because I don't have the best hair in general and it had been under a hat for about an hour and there's not much of it left to begin with. He took that hat off and it was all over the place and weird. Two other security guards snickered.
After getting my hat back I walked in and said hello to the people I knew there. I shook hands. I hugged. I said "hey, what's up?" to at least six people, possibly more. Some band was playing. Then some other band played. My brother and his friend showed up. We laughed at shit. I drank certain beverages. My brother is a fan of The Loved Ones and I am a fan of possible Joe Strummer covers; so we headed inside the venue to watch The Loved Ones. The Loved Ones had arranged it so that the song "Rainy Day Women #12 and #35" by Bob Dylan played over the PA system while they walked onstage. Right as Dylan finished the line "everybody must get stoned." The Loved Ones began playing their instruments. They began playing their songs shortly thereafter.
I don't know much about The Loved Ones besides the fact that they cover Springsteen and Joe Strummer. Their songs weren't half bad. A couple of kids started running into each other so I started running in place. A couple of kids didn't like that so I started doing push-ups. Another kid started doing push-ups. A kid tried to pick my legs up while I was doing push-ups, but I kicked at him and he stopped. I started doing push-ups again. I got bored with doing push-ups. I started doing jumping jacks. A couple of kids grabbed me and said, "This is hilarious man, right on." A couple of other kids grabbed me and said, "You're a fucking faggot." The singer of The Loved Ones said, "We're going to do a cover song's by one of my favorite songwriters of all time, Conor Oberst." Considering The Loved Ones cover Springsteen and Joe Strummer and listen to Bob Dylan when they walk onstage, this choice of cover and statement makes no sense to me. I rubbed my stomach while patting myself on the head for a little bit. Then I switched hands. Some kid kept trying to knock my hat off of my head. I was not going to have my dreaded scalp exposed again. This kid did not succeed. Some other kid "moshed" into me on "accident" and the hat knocking kid high fived him. I walked closer to them and laughed hysterically. The mosher kid shoved me. It was funny. Some kids pulled him away from me and told him not to stoop to my level. I have no clue what my level is.
After all that, The Bouncing Souls played a whole bunch of songs. They did a slowed down cover of The Misfits' "Hybrid Moments." They covered The Cure. They played all of the old songs you could want to hear. Their singer sure looks really drunk whenever I see them. I like them.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

one on one v.3

Nick from India 5,000 stopped by to rap about some things. This is what he had to say.

Me- I'm going to make some oatmeal. Do either of you want oatmeal?

Nick- I'll have some oatmeal.

Me- Cool. It's maple that ok for people like you?

Nick- Yeah man, that's fine.

Me- Sick.

Monday, April 13, 2009

one on one v.2

A few months ago, I was able to have a bit of a conversation with Von from Capital about what he's been up to, where the band is headed, and the state of Long Island bands in general. This was conducted via text message. It's moderately dramatized, but gets the basic idea of what was said.

Von- Yo, what are you up to later on?

Me- Not sure, what's going on?

Von- We're gonna have some folks back to the apartment, nothing crazy really...some drinks...some chips...gonna bust out the wii man. Come by.

Von- You coming out?

Me- Well, there's this shitty dance night thing down in like Amityville. They play like new wave and stuff, it's probably not the greatest scene, but it's real fun to jump around and make fun of folks.

Von- That's weak, man.

Me- Sorry, we really enjoy bumming people out. And the dance night seems to be the place to do it right now.

Von- I dig it man, come hang soon. Bring those chips man. Those chips from last time fucking ruled.

Me- Will do. Have a good one!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Monday, March 23, 2009

reviews of things

at The Bowery Ballroom
March 21st, 2009

Burt was able to get tickets. He invited me to go with him. I smiled for a long time after agreeing to go. I sort of forgot about it for a few months, or at least I was able to avoid harping on it daily. About a week before I started getting fairly excited about it. (This is pretty much a lie because I told everyone I knew in the world I was going at least seventeen times.) We had made plans that would be considered "big" for us. There were voicemails left and text messages sent to set up an ultimate, roving hangout session with an assortment of people both before and after the show in the great big city, on the lower east side. We met at my house after I got off of work. To begin our big plans, we started drinking and scouting out train times using the internet room in my house. After deciding on a train, I left Burt to his own devices in the internet room. I had to wash, shave, put non work clothes on, and feed my dog. When I left the internet room I told Burt not to go to that website he always goes to. Upon entering the internet room again I was washed, shaved, in non work clothes, and the proud owner of a recently fed dog. Burt informed me that he had indeed gone to that website he always goes to. I told him it was ok. We left for the train station shortly thereafter.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles


They're great.


They're great.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

The Flaming Lips

They were on Beverly Hills 90210 once. They played the Peach Pit. Steve Sanders said they were his favorite band or something like that.

Monday, March 2, 2009

mixes with purpose

This is a mix of songs that will help you jog better if you ever feel the need to jog anywhere.

1- Ac/Dc-Jailbreak
2- Ac/Dc-Rocker
3- Ac/Dc-If You Want Blood (You've Got It)
4- Ac/Dc-Got You By The Balls
5- Ac/Dc-Moneytalks (this one is also great to listen to while you play Pinbot for regular nintendo in your mother's basement and you're roughly nine years old and have one of those tails that every nine year old had in 1991)
6- Ac/Dc-Girls Got Rhythm
7- Ac/Dc-Snowballed (this one features the best uttering of the phrase "yes ya have" in history)
8- Ac/Dc-T.N.T.
9- Ac/Dc-It's A Long Way To The Top
10- Ac/Dc-Highway To Hell
11- Ac/Dc-Flick Of The Switch
12- Ac/Dc-Guns For Hire
13- Ac/Dc-Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

or just put on the entire album "Humanity Is The Devil" by Integrity.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

One on One v.1

I recently met up with Conor and Tim from the Agent in the big city to talk about some things. The interview follows transcribed from memory as best as I can recall.

Me: Fuck you!

Conor: Ha! What's up Matt!

Me: Nothing, sick show, huh?

Conor: Yeah man. I can't believe they played What I Would Say To You Now!

Me: Yeah, I know. Psyched they did No Sensitivity too.

Conor: Totally, they fucking rule.

Me: Totally.

Conor: So I heard you fucked up singing Hyper Enough with Nick's band?

Me: Yeah it was atrocious, but they sounded awesome. I think I redeemed myself when Everything Sucks covered Archers though.

Conor: Yeah, I'm bummed I couldn't make it.

Me: Ha, what happened man?

Conor: It was Poppa Freeman's birthday...sorry.

Me: Oh sick! It's no problem man...there will be more soon. Did your dad tell any more high school football stories?

Conor: Nah

(I notice Tim walking towards us)

Me(to Tim): Hey! It's You!

Tim: So just decent records, man? I bought great records.

Me: I don't recall exactly what records you used to buy. I just remember you wearing an Inside Out shirt a lot.

Tim: Yeah I just remember walking down the aisles and hearing like Heads Vs. Breakers and being like "what the fuck?"

Me: Yeah, I tried to have fun there.

Conor: I think we're heading out, how did you guys get in? The subway from Penn?

Me: Yeah man.

Conor: Is anything going on?

Me: Not sure...we might meet some folks way downtown. It depends.

Conor: Word, Have a good night.

Me: You too, thanks for sitting down to do this interview.

Conor and Tim in unision: No problem!

Writing In Books

Found on the last page of a used copy of Paul Auster's New York Trilogy purchased on a street before seeing Jarvis Cocker at a place that used to be North Six, but isn't exactly North Six anymore in what I believe was July of 2008:


Now it's about 10 to 1, and I'm sitting here pulling threads from the old family room valances- taking them apart to make napkins-wondering why I would spend so much time on something that I could easily buy, and that I may never get around to actually making anyway. This is the 3rd one. I pulled the other two apart during the day when I really should have been doing something else. Now it's really just a distraction-I've spent most of the time since I finished this book worrying. I left the back door open today when we ran errands before dinner and I've been possessed with the thought of how easy it would be for someone to walk in and find a place to hide in this house. Sometimes I'm convinced that I should have lived my life single in a studio apt. with a cat. So paranoid, imagining endless possibilities for catastrophe. Awhile ago I was wishing I was wishing I knew someone on the west coast I could call and talk to. Art's out of town, of course, but in NY-he's snoring away, and I should be taking advantage of the silence. Instead, I'm listening to the radio. They play the Talking Heads song 'Life During Wartime' a lot on this station-maybe because it mentions Detroit. I'm going to finish my thread pulling and hope to sleep. I read about Graham Greene writing in his books in an article in the New Yorker-sounds like a good idea to me, since I'd never keep a real journal. Of course, I'll have to be careful now about which books to get rid of. This one is a keeper-sufficiently interesting and baffling.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Songs My Mother Knows Every Word To

Mack the Knife
Bobby Darin

This song is about a fella named Macheath. He stabs the shit out of people. The lyrics compare his knife to a shark's pearly white teeth. It was originally in some German opera about a dude stabbing the shit out of people. Louis Armstrong sung it. Then Bobby Darin sung it. Every family party involving alcohol, a microphone, and my mother I've ever attended has featured my mother singing Bobby Darin's version of this song. "Hey Diana! Sing Mack the Knife!" her parents would shout at her. She would always oblige. She may have even sung it at her wedding to my father. I wouldn't know. I was not there. At one point in the song, various victims of Macheath are named. One of them is Lucy Brown. I don't know exactly why, but growing up I always thought Lucy Brown was Lucy from Charles Schultz' Peanuts. Lucy from Peanuts' name is Lucy van Pelt and did not exist in the same world as Macheath to be stabbed by him, but as an impressionable youth I thought this song had something to do with the demise of Lucy for taking away Charlie Brown's football. I don't think I've ever told anyone this. Maybe an ex-girlfriend at like four in the morning though, I'm not sure. Either way, that's what I thought of the song growing up. Now it's odd to think that a song about stabbing the shit out of people for their money was able to become a big enough hit for my mother to learn the words and for her family to encourage her singing it at their parties. I guess it was all in Bobby Darin's execution. The fella sure could work the mic.

exhibit a

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

reviews of things

Awake In Their World

Agent put a seven inch record out. It took a little bit to hit the streets, but the streets were glad they got hit with it. The kids love it. The older folks love it. Small animals love it as much as small animals can love a seven inch record by an independent rock outfit from Long Island. The lyrics are an intelligent take on what it's like to be a certain age, trying to live and behave a certain way amidst a suburban scene that does not necessarily support, or even understand that certain age and behavior. That being said, I'm pretty sure Keith is a liar because it's almost impossible for him to be saying everything that is printed as lyrics on the record. He might be singing about unicorns or some shit, but writing about the aforementioned suburban scenes. He speaks rather quickly. The layout for the record was done by a fella who wears sweaters sometimes. John Mee played bass for the recording. A kid who used to buy decent albums from me at Tower Records plays bass with them now. His name is Tim. In almost every picture of this band my brother can be seen singing along with a finger pointed and all. We like them.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Letters that are fun to think of existing

Dear Q,

I was wondering if I can get just one of those crazy prophylactics you claimed to have all those years ago. I've been feeling pretty "vivrant" and in this day and age, it's best to be on the safe side...the apparently crazy safe side.

Friends Forever,
Attractive Girl With A Fruit Shaped Posterior

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

Bob Dylan

His clothes were pretty wrinkled when he first started out. He began wearing a bolo tie around the same time he began ironing his clothes. People ask him a lot of questions. Every two years someone calls someone else a younger version of him.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Songs My Mother Knows Every Word To

The Load Out/Stay by Jackson Browne

This is a song/songs about being "on the road, maaaaaan." The narrator describes his stage being broken down by roadies every night only to be rebuilt again the next night at another show taking place "a thousand miles away from here." The solo vocal with piano lends the song a bit of sadness portraying the idea that playing to different people who don't really know you every night can take it's toll on one's soul and view of the world. Although it is sweet when the people get up on their feet and make the show, the people will never know the empty sound of an empty auditorium. The band is on the bus and they're waiting to go. As sweet as the people are, they are fleeting to the narrator. The towns all look the same to him. This is sad. This sadness is replaced by the uplifting idea of "hey, we came here to play for the let's play for them." And play they do. The people are informed that they have the power. The longer the people stay in the auditorium, the longer the narrator and his band will play. The full band builds up into a chorus of "stay...just a little bit longer." The promoter doesn't mind. Neither do the roadies. The narrator and his band will play one more song, forever. This "one more song" is "stay" and it lasts exactly three minutes and twenty one seconds. This song/songs appears on the live record "Running On Empty." My mother fucking loves this song. Even her mother used to know the words to it.

Jackson and Bruce and E Street telling people to stay.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

reviews of things

Wanna See My Gun?

There is a seven inch record coming out by the band Pregnant. It is a great seven inch record. They sing about falling on the ground. They sing about not seeing people for an extended period of time. They sing about wanting to be left alone. They shout "ooooooooooooh" and "yeaaaaaaaaah" at the best times those particular words can be shouted. They also sort of shout laugh at a few points, which is a great thing. The music in these songs is a driving, sort of fist pumping kind of music. It is a good kind of music. You can preorder this record at They are playing at The Charleston in Brooklyn on February 8th, 2009.

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

Dinosaur Jr.

A small amount of people liked them. A whole bunch of people like them now.

Sonic Youth

They met in New York City.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Letters that are fun to think of existing

Dear Andre Young,

Is this Aerosmith? We were just wondering. Please don't cut our fucking heads off.


The General Record Buying Public of 1992

Monday, January 19, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

Joy Division

Ian Curtis killed himself.

New Order

His friends eventually got over it.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sort of Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles


Weezer put out a record with a blue cover. Then they put out a record with a Japanese picture on it's cover. They broke up shortly after this second release. They were into Kiss.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

The Clash

The Clash were a band. They sung about a lot of countries they did not live in. Sometimes they wore shirts without sleeves. They played Shea Stadium once. People say the Bad Brains blew them away when they played together, but that's just what the Bad Brains did back then so it's no big deal. Their bass player was tall. His name was Paul Simonon. I have heard people say things like, "The Clash were posers." or "Joe Strummer was a dick." or "The Clash were a bunch of spoiled rich college kids who co-opted the vision of urban punk anarchists/activists and they were dicks too." The people that say these things should only be saying "I don't bathe often." or "I didn't write 'The Magnificent Seven.'" Joe Strummer died once a few years ago.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Two letters that are fun to think of existing.

My Dearest James,

It seems there is a sucker comparing you to the rest of the suckers in the world. The sheer audacity of this comparison is staggering. It feels as if someone had pulled some sort of lever on me that would make me explode. I am all too aware of exactly how many years you have been in this world. I know exactly how raw you are, and I will never forget it. There are some people in this world who do not share my opinion of you. Do not let them stare at you. Make them pay the price for not understanding that you are far from an average man. You may not be fully prepared mentally to deal with these circumstances sober. I recommend a moderately priced brand of malt liquor known as Olde English "800" to put you in the state you'll need to be to do what I'm about to ask you to do. James, I hear shotgun blasts outside my window at night. It is time for you to shift gears. It is time to say the word "yeah" repeatedly. It is time to make them say your name. It is time to tie them up if the situation calls for it. James, it is time to knock them out. I wish you luck in this endeavor.

Love always,

Dear Carlton Ridenhour,

We are suckers. That being said, we are interested in you for a position in our army, or whatever.

The Government

2009: Predictions

Morrissey will release a record that I enjoy immensely.

I will attend one wedding, possibly two.

I will talk at great length about attending Merge's anniversary festival in North Carolina, but as the days add up I will find myself forgetting to take off from work. I will also buy a hard drive or something expensive and fairly pointless in life's grand scheme that will leave me just short fundwise. I will be unable to purchase tickets.

I will talk at great length about attending the Unbroken reunion in Chicago, but as the days add up I will find myself forgetting to take off from work. I will also buy a hard drive or something expensive and fairly pointless in life's grand scheme that will leave me just short fundwise. I will be able to purchase tickets, but will be without the benefit of proper transportation. I will also have no place to stay in Chicago.

James Ellroy will publish a novel that contains the fuck word.

Gas prices will eventually increase. This will cause men with moustaches and/or ponytails to say things to you like, "Doya beleeeeve this shit? They really gotya by the ballz hea!" if you make eye contact with them at any and all gas stations.

2008: Selected Selections

These are the top fifty albums of 2008 as chosen by Rolling Stone magazine. My thoughts on each record's place in the world appear underneath the record listing. It's fun to do things.

1-tv on the radio: dear science
They say "bumpa bah bah bah." It's pretty fun to think about that.

2-bob dylan: tell tale signs
Extra songs from Oh Mercy and Time Out of Mind. It's pretty fun to think about Daniel Lanois when he wasn't trying to be a tool.

3-lil' wayne: tha carter III
Sometimes you try to be serious, but you have a voice that makes it impossible. Maybe that's the whole joke or whatever. I don't get it.

4-my morning jacket: evil urges
Paul Mccartney was amazed too...maybe.

5-john mellencamp: life, death, love and freedom
With the exception of "Born to Run" by Bruce, "Mellow Yellow" by Donovan, and "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys; the song I recall being played most on my father's living room record player before I turned ten was that one by johnny cougar about raining on scarecrows and shit. It ruled. (ps. this is a pretty decent record. it's got a few good nods to bruce and dylan. it's also one of the last records my grandmother asked me to buy for her.)

6-santogold: santogold
My good friend Charlotte and I realized how much we really, really liked this at exactly the same time. That isn't a hundred percent true, but it makes for a good sentence. Get the Top Ranking Diplo Mixtape.

7-coldplay: viva la vida
One of the more depressing things I have to deal with in my life is when people I respect and consider close friends tell me they enjoy this band.

8-beck: modern guilt
There are very tall bartenders who wear glasses and have beards. Not only do these bartenders love this record, they also give you free drinks if you play any Built to Spill song on the jukebox. Consider yourselves advised.

9-metallica: death magnetic
It doesn't matter. And the only time it did, you were ten years old.

10-vampire weekend: vampire weekend
When it first came out, I was waiting for a lot of people to get home from the hospital. I sat up playing video games with this record on repeat every night for two weeks. I have not really listened to it since then, besides that "kids don't stand a chance" song. I like that song.

11-fleet foxes: fleet foxes
It matters, but you're only ten years old.

12-guns and roses: chinese democracy
Go fuck yourselves

13-blitzen trapper: furr
Bearrded and Borring

14-ryan adams and the cardinals: cardinology
Dear Flyin' Ryan, if you insist on putting out so many records, please make one or two of them suck so I can save some money. Sincerely, Matthew.

15-the black keys: attack and release
It sounds too pretty.

16-randy newman: harps and angels
He said "arrhythmic."

17-b.b. king: one kind of favor
I remember he did some "riding with the king" bullshit with the slowhand himself Eric Clapton. This is a million times better than that was.

18-lucinda williams: little honey
It's a long way to the top if you want to wear way too much eyeliner. Her voice sounds great. The band sounds great. Sorry I made fun of your eyeliner, Lucinda.

19-erykah badu: new amerykah part 1
Sometimes you try to be serious, and your great voice and awesome friends make impossible things sound serious.

20-kings of leon: only by the night
You know, I could use somebody who doesn't blatantly (and i'm assuming knowingly) rip somebody else off (m83).

21-kaiser chiefs: off with their heads
They still exist, huh?

22-jackson browne: time the conquerer
If your mom was a dude who couldn't get laid anymore she/he would write this record. Your dad doesn't give a shit.

23-conor oberst: conor oberst
Your dad doesn't give a shit. Unless your dad is Bruce Springsteen, then your dad is just pretending to like conor oberst so you don't scream "I hate you! I wish I was never born!" at him.

24-girl talk: feed the animals
Are you sure you can't sue him? Seriously?

25-the magnetic fields: distortion
We walked alone in the rain and lightning when you were my baby. So much in love it was almost frightening when you were my baby. Everybody called you a fool when you wouldn't play by the rules. Everybody was wrong. There was nowhere to run away to when you were my baby. Everybody began to hate you when you were my baby. Time wasn't on our side. Me and my foolish pride. Then I said goodbye. Now you've gone away and left me on my own. Now I'm walking down the highway all alone on a rainy night and crying out my eyes, crying out my, crying out my eyes. We were young, yeah, but old enough to...when you were my baby. I just couldn't help but love you when you were my baby. Just the way you wore your hair and the way you just didn't care and the way you danced when you were my baby...those days are goooooooone.

26-mudcrutch: mudcrutch
I was going to complain about not being able to find the "she's the one" soundtrack with that sick fucking song "walls(circus)" by Petty on it, but it would be unfounded because it really only took me like an hour to find. This whole internet world has made me impatient. I apologize. Petty still rules by the way.

27-brian wilson: that lucky old sun
He played here on Thanksgiving. Maybe if he plays on a day when people can go next year I will be able to see him.

28-the knux: remind me in three days...
I work right across a hallway from a Starbucks. I get myself their lemonade type drinks a lot. My manager has me get him his absurd coffee drink sometimes. If I see a co-worker having a bad time of it, I will probably purchase them a coffee. Bottomline is I am there a lot and the people that work there know me and carry on random small talk conversations. I am pretty sure if i walked in and responded "fresh fresh cappuccino with a mocha twist!" when asked for my order, they would cut the small talk. One day soon...

29-bon iver: for emma, forever ago
Still bearded, less boring than some other "weird" beards.

30-duffy: rockferry
Hi, I'm Bernard Butler and I am a dick.

31-mgmt: oracular spectacular
Their band name makes me think of bosses I don't like. Their music makes me think "People know Marc Bolan existed, right?" I like Destroyer though and he's just as lame as these folks.

32-jamey johnson: that lonesome song
He means it. That's all you can ask for.

33-ne-yo: year of the gentleman
He wrote "irreplaceable." These songs sound like Real Talk if Real Talk wasn't fantastic.

34-stephen malkmus: real emotional trash
It feels like Wowee Zowee type things in parts. It's fucking great.

35-nick cave and the bad seeds: dig, lazarus, dig!!!
I dig it.

36-the hold steady: stay positive
Hey guys, I like cigarettes, hooks, and keyboards too.

37-nine inch nails: the slip
I don't want to alarm anyone, but it has been brought to my attention that sometimes when you are on a major label, it might not be the funnest thing. It seems that major labels and people in suits really enjoy money. These labels and suits would rather have money than "creativity." I know, I know...the world is a cruel place.

38-ra ra riot: the rhumb line
Better bands covered Kate Bush. Better bands have deader drummers too.

39-taylor swift: fearless
If "Hey Stephen" was about Morrissey it'd be good.

40-jonas brothers: a little bit longer
I met some people in the city to see a show on the same day that these kids played Madison Square Garden. Traffic was stopped as a parade of SUV's charioted the Brothers towards the Garden. My friend Joe and I had no clue who was in the SUV's. Girls were screaming everywhere. I saw what looked like Bob Dylan's shadow behind the window of one of the cars. I was confused. "Why are these fifteen year old girls in Jonas Brother's t shirts going apeshit over Bob Dylan?" Two woman of what appeared to be Russian decent approached Joe and I to ask us who were the people going to crazy over. "It's either Bob Dylan, or the Jonas Brothers," I informed them. They asked me who Bob Dylan was. I said, "He's this fella that made people feel pretty bad about some things, but pretty good about other things." They then asked if there were flowers in Madison Square Garden.

41-ac/dc: black ice
I haven't heard it, but I know if I was to be the type of person who jogged every day, or every other day; I would certainly be listening to it. I cannot stress that enough. If you excercise, do it to ac/dc.

42-david byrne and brian eno: everything that happens will happen today
I think Byrne is playing the Garden soon. I wonder how many people will crowd around him as he walks to the building.

43-nas: untitled
Nas has never been anything more than average. He does not interest me on the pants shitting level he seems to interest a lot of people I know. There are countless other "hip hop" artists that do interest me on this level. I doubt he will ever be one of them. The record has a few good lines.

44-the racontuers: consolers of the lonely
Jack White has never been anything more than average. He does not interest me on the pants shitting level he seems to interest a lot of people I know. There are countless other "fake blues tinged rock" artists that do interest me on this level. I doubt he will ever be one of them. The record has a few decent riffs.

45-be your own pet: get awkward
We made a song called get awkward like ten years before these kids were born. Every single song on this record sounds the same. It isn't a terrible song by any means, but it hurts after awhile. Their singer is "crazy" and just "goes fucking nuts, man." Siiiiiiiiiiick.

46-the acadamy is...:fast times at barrington high
I know I am not an eighteen year old girl in a FallOutBoy hoody. I know I have no piercings and only one noticeable tattoo. I know my screen name isn't em0roxx91. I know I don't own a scarf. I know I weigh roughly one hundred and seventy six pounds. I know I like my parents. I know I don't own flourescent tank tops. I know I can see clearly without having to move any hair from in front of my face. I know I don't use many accessories in general. What I'm getting at is, I know I am none of the things you would be attracted to, but if I slept with you...with any of you...with all of you...would you feel complete? Would it be enough for you to no longer exist as a musical entity? Would you no longer have to write these songs and play these shows? I am willing to make this sacrifice.

47-of montreal: skeletal lamping
When I dropped acid all that happened was I sat listening to The Smiths at a bar that was playing old British spy movies on all of their tvs. Half of the people there had fake British accents and the other half were in the bathroom blowing lines (there wasn't a door, so I know it for a fact). This girl I had a mega crush on tried to get me to dance with her, but I was seventeen and she was twenty two and had given me a hit, or a tab, or whatever the kids call it nowadays. I couldn't deal with anything. I stayed up all night in the living room of her apartment. I didn't have any money to get home on the train from Brooklyn the next day. This girl's roommate lent me ten dollars I think. That debt remains unpaid.

48-raphael saadiq: the way i see it
Tony! Toni! Tone! has done it again. I'm almost certain this record has a xylophone on it.

49-hot chip: made in the dark
So you're saying that even this was better than the last Silver Jews record?

50-no age: nouns
Wives were one of my favorite bands. The picture of the tapes in the layout made me smile so much. Summer hundred percent.

Monday, January 12, 2009

no aloha

So when the two elderly people you live with die within a month of each other, one of your favorite people still living will make a mix of songs and send it to you. In response to her kind message and mix, you will take a bit of time out of bumming around to compile the following list of songs to send in return.

beat happening-down at the sea
the halo benders-don't touch my bikini
superchunk-1,000 pounds
the jam-ghosts
tom waits-jack & neal/california, here i come
the libertines w/ adam green-what a waster
the only ones-another girl, another planet
orchestral manoeuvres in the dark-enola gay
silkworm-slave wages
crust brothers-yazoo street scandal
crust brothers-going to acapulco
allen ginsberg-laughing song
joan of arc-how wheeling feels
on the might of princes-as long as she doesn't smoke
nick cave & the bad seeds-nature boy
mclusky-she will only bring you happiness
the thermals-everything thermals

There were some replacements songs on there too, but exactly what and where has been forgotten. Had the song "no aloha" by the breeders been readily available at that time, it'd have most likely ended the mix.