Thursday, January 29, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

Bob Dylan

His clothes were pretty wrinkled when he first started out. He began wearing a bolo tie around the same time he began ironing his clothes. People ask him a lot of questions. Every two years someone calls someone else a younger version of him.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Songs My Mother Knows Every Word To

The Load Out/Stay by Jackson Browne

This is a song/songs about being "on the road, maaaaaan." The narrator describes his stage being broken down by roadies every night only to be rebuilt again the next night at another show taking place "a thousand miles away from here." The solo vocal with piano lends the song a bit of sadness portraying the idea that playing to different people who don't really know you every night can take it's toll on one's soul and view of the world. Although it is sweet when the people get up on their feet and make the show, the people will never know the empty sound of an empty auditorium. The band is on the bus and they're waiting to go. As sweet as the people are, they are fleeting to the narrator. The towns all look the same to him. This is sad. This sadness is replaced by the uplifting idea of "hey, we came here to play for the let's play for them." And play they do. The people are informed that they have the power. The longer the people stay in the auditorium, the longer the narrator and his band will play. The full band builds up into a chorus of "stay...just a little bit longer." The promoter doesn't mind. Neither do the roadies. The narrator and his band will play one more song, forever. This "one more song" is "stay" and it lasts exactly three minutes and twenty one seconds. This song/songs appears on the live record "Running On Empty." My mother fucking loves this song. Even her mother used to know the words to it.

Jackson and Bruce and E Street telling people to stay.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

reviews of things

Wanna See My Gun?

There is a seven inch record coming out by the band Pregnant. It is a great seven inch record. They sing about falling on the ground. They sing about not seeing people for an extended period of time. They sing about wanting to be left alone. They shout "ooooooooooooh" and "yeaaaaaaaaah" at the best times those particular words can be shouted. They also sort of shout laugh at a few points, which is a great thing. The music in these songs is a driving, sort of fist pumping kind of music. It is a good kind of music. You can preorder this record at They are playing at The Charleston in Brooklyn on February 8th, 2009.

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

Dinosaur Jr.

A small amount of people liked them. A whole bunch of people like them now.

Sonic Youth

They met in New York City.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Letters that are fun to think of existing

Dear Andre Young,

Is this Aerosmith? We were just wondering. Please don't cut our fucking heads off.


The General Record Buying Public of 1992

Monday, January 19, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

Joy Division

Ian Curtis killed himself.

New Order

His friends eventually got over it.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sort of Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles


Weezer put out a record with a blue cover. Then they put out a record with a Japanese picture on it's cover. They broke up shortly after this second release. They were into Kiss.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Legendary Legends of Rock and Roll Legend Profiles

The Clash

The Clash were a band. They sung about a lot of countries they did not live in. Sometimes they wore shirts without sleeves. They played Shea Stadium once. People say the Bad Brains blew them away when they played together, but that's just what the Bad Brains did back then so it's no big deal. Their bass player was tall. His name was Paul Simonon. I have heard people say things like, "The Clash were posers." or "Joe Strummer was a dick." or "The Clash were a bunch of spoiled rich college kids who co-opted the vision of urban punk anarchists/activists and they were dicks too." The people that say these things should only be saying "I don't bathe often." or "I didn't write 'The Magnificent Seven.'" Joe Strummer died once a few years ago.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Two letters that are fun to think of existing.

My Dearest James,

It seems there is a sucker comparing you to the rest of the suckers in the world. The sheer audacity of this comparison is staggering. It feels as if someone had pulled some sort of lever on me that would make me explode. I am all too aware of exactly how many years you have been in this world. I know exactly how raw you are, and I will never forget it. There are some people in this world who do not share my opinion of you. Do not let them stare at you. Make them pay the price for not understanding that you are far from an average man. You may not be fully prepared mentally to deal with these circumstances sober. I recommend a moderately priced brand of malt liquor known as Olde English "800" to put you in the state you'll need to be to do what I'm about to ask you to do. James, I hear shotgun blasts outside my window at night. It is time for you to shift gears. It is time to say the word "yeah" repeatedly. It is time to make them say your name. It is time to tie them up if the situation calls for it. James, it is time to knock them out. I wish you luck in this endeavor.

Love always,

Dear Carlton Ridenhour,

We are suckers. That being said, we are interested in you for a position in our army, or whatever.

The Government

2009: Predictions

Morrissey will release a record that I enjoy immensely.

I will attend one wedding, possibly two.

I will talk at great length about attending Merge's anniversary festival in North Carolina, but as the days add up I will find myself forgetting to take off from work. I will also buy a hard drive or something expensive and fairly pointless in life's grand scheme that will leave me just short fundwise. I will be unable to purchase tickets.

I will talk at great length about attending the Unbroken reunion in Chicago, but as the days add up I will find myself forgetting to take off from work. I will also buy a hard drive or something expensive and fairly pointless in life's grand scheme that will leave me just short fundwise. I will be able to purchase tickets, but will be without the benefit of proper transportation. I will also have no place to stay in Chicago.

James Ellroy will publish a novel that contains the fuck word.

Gas prices will eventually increase. This will cause men with moustaches and/or ponytails to say things to you like, "Doya beleeeeve this shit? They really gotya by the ballz hea!" if you make eye contact with them at any and all gas stations.

2008: Selected Selections

These are the top fifty albums of 2008 as chosen by Rolling Stone magazine. My thoughts on each record's place in the world appear underneath the record listing. It's fun to do things.

1-tv on the radio: dear science
They say "bumpa bah bah bah." It's pretty fun to think about that.

2-bob dylan: tell tale signs
Extra songs from Oh Mercy and Time Out of Mind. It's pretty fun to think about Daniel Lanois when he wasn't trying to be a tool.

3-lil' wayne: tha carter III
Sometimes you try to be serious, but you have a voice that makes it impossible. Maybe that's the whole joke or whatever. I don't get it.

4-my morning jacket: evil urges
Paul Mccartney was amazed too...maybe.

5-john mellencamp: life, death, love and freedom
With the exception of "Born to Run" by Bruce, "Mellow Yellow" by Donovan, and "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys; the song I recall being played most on my father's living room record player before I turned ten was that one by johnny cougar about raining on scarecrows and shit. It ruled. (ps. this is a pretty decent record. it's got a few good nods to bruce and dylan. it's also one of the last records my grandmother asked me to buy for her.)

6-santogold: santogold
My good friend Charlotte and I realized how much we really, really liked this at exactly the same time. That isn't a hundred percent true, but it makes for a good sentence. Get the Top Ranking Diplo Mixtape.

7-coldplay: viva la vida
One of the more depressing things I have to deal with in my life is when people I respect and consider close friends tell me they enjoy this band.

8-beck: modern guilt
There are very tall bartenders who wear glasses and have beards. Not only do these bartenders love this record, they also give you free drinks if you play any Built to Spill song on the jukebox. Consider yourselves advised.

9-metallica: death magnetic
It doesn't matter. And the only time it did, you were ten years old.

10-vampire weekend: vampire weekend
When it first came out, I was waiting for a lot of people to get home from the hospital. I sat up playing video games with this record on repeat every night for two weeks. I have not really listened to it since then, besides that "kids don't stand a chance" song. I like that song.

11-fleet foxes: fleet foxes
It matters, but you're only ten years old.

12-guns and roses: chinese democracy
Go fuck yourselves

13-blitzen trapper: furr
Bearrded and Borring

14-ryan adams and the cardinals: cardinology
Dear Flyin' Ryan, if you insist on putting out so many records, please make one or two of them suck so I can save some money. Sincerely, Matthew.

15-the black keys: attack and release
It sounds too pretty.

16-randy newman: harps and angels
He said "arrhythmic."

17-b.b. king: one kind of favor
I remember he did some "riding with the king" bullshit with the slowhand himself Eric Clapton. This is a million times better than that was.

18-lucinda williams: little honey
It's a long way to the top if you want to wear way too much eyeliner. Her voice sounds great. The band sounds great. Sorry I made fun of your eyeliner, Lucinda.

19-erykah badu: new amerykah part 1
Sometimes you try to be serious, and your great voice and awesome friends make impossible things sound serious.

20-kings of leon: only by the night
You know, I could use somebody who doesn't blatantly (and i'm assuming knowingly) rip somebody else off (m83).

21-kaiser chiefs: off with their heads
They still exist, huh?

22-jackson browne: time the conquerer
If your mom was a dude who couldn't get laid anymore she/he would write this record. Your dad doesn't give a shit.

23-conor oberst: conor oberst
Your dad doesn't give a shit. Unless your dad is Bruce Springsteen, then your dad is just pretending to like conor oberst so you don't scream "I hate you! I wish I was never born!" at him.

24-girl talk: feed the animals
Are you sure you can't sue him? Seriously?

25-the magnetic fields: distortion
We walked alone in the rain and lightning when you were my baby. So much in love it was almost frightening when you were my baby. Everybody called you a fool when you wouldn't play by the rules. Everybody was wrong. There was nowhere to run away to when you were my baby. Everybody began to hate you when you were my baby. Time wasn't on our side. Me and my foolish pride. Then I said goodbye. Now you've gone away and left me on my own. Now I'm walking down the highway all alone on a rainy night and crying out my eyes, crying out my, crying out my eyes. We were young, yeah, but old enough to...when you were my baby. I just couldn't help but love you when you were my baby. Just the way you wore your hair and the way you just didn't care and the way you danced when you were my baby...those days are goooooooone.

26-mudcrutch: mudcrutch
I was going to complain about not being able to find the "she's the one" soundtrack with that sick fucking song "walls(circus)" by Petty on it, but it would be unfounded because it really only took me like an hour to find. This whole internet world has made me impatient. I apologize. Petty still rules by the way.

27-brian wilson: that lucky old sun
He played here on Thanksgiving. Maybe if he plays on a day when people can go next year I will be able to see him.

28-the knux: remind me in three days...
I work right across a hallway from a Starbucks. I get myself their lemonade type drinks a lot. My manager has me get him his absurd coffee drink sometimes. If I see a co-worker having a bad time of it, I will probably purchase them a coffee. Bottomline is I am there a lot and the people that work there know me and carry on random small talk conversations. I am pretty sure if i walked in and responded "fresh fresh cappuccino with a mocha twist!" when asked for my order, they would cut the small talk. One day soon...

29-bon iver: for emma, forever ago
Still bearded, less boring than some other "weird" beards.

30-duffy: rockferry
Hi, I'm Bernard Butler and I am a dick.

31-mgmt: oracular spectacular
Their band name makes me think of bosses I don't like. Their music makes me think "People know Marc Bolan existed, right?" I like Destroyer though and he's just as lame as these folks.

32-jamey johnson: that lonesome song
He means it. That's all you can ask for.

33-ne-yo: year of the gentleman
He wrote "irreplaceable." These songs sound like Real Talk if Real Talk wasn't fantastic.

34-stephen malkmus: real emotional trash
It feels like Wowee Zowee type things in parts. It's fucking great.

35-nick cave and the bad seeds: dig, lazarus, dig!!!
I dig it.

36-the hold steady: stay positive
Hey guys, I like cigarettes, hooks, and keyboards too.

37-nine inch nails: the slip
I don't want to alarm anyone, but it has been brought to my attention that sometimes when you are on a major label, it might not be the funnest thing. It seems that major labels and people in suits really enjoy money. These labels and suits would rather have money than "creativity." I know, I know...the world is a cruel place.

38-ra ra riot: the rhumb line
Better bands covered Kate Bush. Better bands have deader drummers too.

39-taylor swift: fearless
If "Hey Stephen" was about Morrissey it'd be good.

40-jonas brothers: a little bit longer
I met some people in the city to see a show on the same day that these kids played Madison Square Garden. Traffic was stopped as a parade of SUV's charioted the Brothers towards the Garden. My friend Joe and I had no clue who was in the SUV's. Girls were screaming everywhere. I saw what looked like Bob Dylan's shadow behind the window of one of the cars. I was confused. "Why are these fifteen year old girls in Jonas Brother's t shirts going apeshit over Bob Dylan?" Two woman of what appeared to be Russian decent approached Joe and I to ask us who were the people going to crazy over. "It's either Bob Dylan, or the Jonas Brothers," I informed them. They asked me who Bob Dylan was. I said, "He's this fella that made people feel pretty bad about some things, but pretty good about other things." They then asked if there were flowers in Madison Square Garden.

41-ac/dc: black ice
I haven't heard it, but I know if I was to be the type of person who jogged every day, or every other day; I would certainly be listening to it. I cannot stress that enough. If you excercise, do it to ac/dc.

42-david byrne and brian eno: everything that happens will happen today
I think Byrne is playing the Garden soon. I wonder how many people will crowd around him as he walks to the building.

43-nas: untitled
Nas has never been anything more than average. He does not interest me on the pants shitting level he seems to interest a lot of people I know. There are countless other "hip hop" artists that do interest me on this level. I doubt he will ever be one of them. The record has a few good lines.

44-the racontuers: consolers of the lonely
Jack White has never been anything more than average. He does not interest me on the pants shitting level he seems to interest a lot of people I know. There are countless other "fake blues tinged rock" artists that do interest me on this level. I doubt he will ever be one of them. The record has a few decent riffs.

45-be your own pet: get awkward
We made a song called get awkward like ten years before these kids were born. Every single song on this record sounds the same. It isn't a terrible song by any means, but it hurts after awhile. Their singer is "crazy" and just "goes fucking nuts, man." Siiiiiiiiiiick.

46-the acadamy is...:fast times at barrington high
I know I am not an eighteen year old girl in a FallOutBoy hoody. I know I have no piercings and only one noticeable tattoo. I know my screen name isn't em0roxx91. I know I don't own a scarf. I know I weigh roughly one hundred and seventy six pounds. I know I like my parents. I know I don't own flourescent tank tops. I know I can see clearly without having to move any hair from in front of my face. I know I don't use many accessories in general. What I'm getting at is, I know I am none of the things you would be attracted to, but if I slept with you...with any of you...with all of you...would you feel complete? Would it be enough for you to no longer exist as a musical entity? Would you no longer have to write these songs and play these shows? I am willing to make this sacrifice.

47-of montreal: skeletal lamping
When I dropped acid all that happened was I sat listening to The Smiths at a bar that was playing old British spy movies on all of their tvs. Half of the people there had fake British accents and the other half were in the bathroom blowing lines (there wasn't a door, so I know it for a fact). This girl I had a mega crush on tried to get me to dance with her, but I was seventeen and she was twenty two and had given me a hit, or a tab, or whatever the kids call it nowadays. I couldn't deal with anything. I stayed up all night in the living room of her apartment. I didn't have any money to get home on the train from Brooklyn the next day. This girl's roommate lent me ten dollars I think. That debt remains unpaid.

48-raphael saadiq: the way i see it
Tony! Toni! Tone! has done it again. I'm almost certain this record has a xylophone on it.

49-hot chip: made in the dark
So you're saying that even this was better than the last Silver Jews record?

50-no age: nouns
Wives were one of my favorite bands. The picture of the tapes in the layout made me smile so much. Summer hundred percent.

Monday, January 12, 2009

no aloha

So when the two elderly people you live with die within a month of each other, one of your favorite people still living will make a mix of songs and send it to you. In response to her kind message and mix, you will take a bit of time out of bumming around to compile the following list of songs to send in return.

beat happening-down at the sea
the halo benders-don't touch my bikini
superchunk-1,000 pounds
the jam-ghosts
tom waits-jack & neal/california, here i come
the libertines w/ adam green-what a waster
the only ones-another girl, another planet
orchestral manoeuvres in the dark-enola gay
silkworm-slave wages
crust brothers-yazoo street scandal
crust brothers-going to acapulco
allen ginsberg-laughing song
joan of arc-how wheeling feels
on the might of princes-as long as she doesn't smoke
nick cave & the bad seeds-nature boy
mclusky-she will only bring you happiness
the thermals-everything thermals

There were some replacements songs on there too, but exactly what and where has been forgotten. Had the song "no aloha" by the breeders been readily available at that time, it'd have most likely ended the mix.